


There is Nothing You Can Say

by HonoraryFox



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Dark, Depression, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, andrew helps, lengthened version here, mental health, neil alone at PSU, palmettofoxesthings, post books, trigger warning, via getting into fights
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2019-07-03 19:26:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15825393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HonoraryFox/pseuds/HonoraryFox
Summary: After his life calmed down some, Neil Josten finally had the chance to take down some of his walls. Some of these walls were built against others, some were walls he built against himself. These were the ones he tried to keep the most intact.Neil deals with a lot alone. It goes too far and someone has to help him. But only he can save himself.





	1. Find Me

**Author's Note:**

> Just and extra note incase you clicked but I really wanna warn for this one because it is very based in some of my actual feelings at one point DO NOT READ IF ANYTHING MIGHT TRIGGER SOMETHING. THIS IS NOT A FEEL GOOD FIC AND HAS SOME DARK REFERENCES. PLEASE BE CAREFUL.

After his life calmed down some, Neil Josten finally had the chance to take down some of his walls. Some of these walls were built against others, some were walls he built against himself. These were the ones he tried to keep the most intact. 

Neil wasn’t sure when those walls started crumbling, but they did. Piece by piece they fell around him. It was in his final year at Palmetto that he storm hit and tore them all down. Andrew had moved to the other side of the country for his career, Aaron along with him for med school. Kevin was one of the most in demand Exy players and was never in the same place for very long. Nicky had moved to Germany, Dan and Matt were busy being, well, Dan and Matt, and Allison and Renee were both doing something spectacular as well.

Despite his friendship with the younger Foxes, Neil had never felt more alone, not even in the time after his mother died. At least then he still had a purpose, to run and stay alive to honour her memory, now though he was leaning more towards hopelessness. He wasn’t sure he could count how many lives he had ruined anymore, but he was sure that the number far exceeded the amount of fingers that he had.

Little by little these thoughts slipped they way through Neil’s defences. He dealt with them alone in the first instance, he didn’t feel it was worth bothering anyone about. He didn’t feel he was worth bothering anyone about. It was during a championship game, or at least the season, that he could really remember it happening.

It was the first time he missed a night practice with Kevin that wasn’t due to an injury or debilitating illness, which normally was only when Andrew refused to let him go on pain of death. Kevin had seemed put out, and maybe a little disappointed, and Andrew had sent an unblinking frown his way. Neil himself had just rolled over and gone back to sleep, not able to think of anything, not really feeling anything. Not until a while afterwards.

It wasn’t until he woke up the next morning, well it was afternoon really, that guilt hit him. All he could see was Kevin’s face when he didn’t follow him and wondered just how many people he had hurt in the same way in the past, or worse. Surely in his other lives he had hurt people, the people who had been left behind. He remembered specifically one family who had almost been killed because of his carelessness. Had there been more?

He hated having been the one to put that look on Kevin’s face. He had been selfish. He knew, in the moment, he knew he should have said yes. The moment he decided to say no he was already thinking of what he should have said. He knew which would have been the right answer and he still said no. What kind of heartless monster was he?

“Snap out of it.” Andrew said when he walked in the room with lunch. “You’re allowed to say no.”

Andrew let the topic drop after that and Neil left those thoughts behind. For a while, at least.

It was just after they played against the Trojans and Neil was in the locker room alone. He’d been pulled out of the game after he took a ball to the head and landed on his ankle, twisting it the wrong way. The Foxes lost that game, but everyone was more concerned with Neil and how he was feeling to care about the loss. The concern was making him feel sick. They’d just lost the game because he’d been too distracted by his own head to catch a ball right. They’d had to sub someone else in, someone tired and not up to Neil’s standard. It was Neil’s fault they lost and there was no way around that.

The following thought was worse, sent Neil’s mine spiralling. That Neil could be so selfish as to think that he was the only reason that the Foxes could win a game. He hated himself more for that.

His hands shook in the showers as he tried desperately to breathe through his racing mind. There was no good thought that Neil could pull out of the black, swirling mass in his head to hold onto. Everything was wrong and bad and dark and his fault his fault he fucked up he messed this up it’s what he does it’s what he always does and-

The shower shut off and Neil flinched. Andrew frowned.

“Yes or no?” He asked. Neil swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. Andrew approached slowly and pulled Neil away from the wall. He grabbed a towel from their bag and wrapped Neil up in it. Neil’s breath shook and he let it out through his mouth, and again back in. It took a few minutes to get it back to being steady again. In the meantime Andrew had been drying Neil’s hair off and finding clothes. He’d locked the rest of the Foxes out, let them think what they like, and sat facing Neil on the bench.

Andrew didn’t say anything to Neil, he just let Neil drag himself into his clothes and return to the bench. He didn’t say anything when Neil started rubbing his hands up and down his arms, obviously uncomfortable in the silence. He waited Neil out.

“I’m fine.” He said. His voice was hoarse and he swallowed hard.

“I thought we talked about this.” Andrew gave him a flat look.

“It’s nothing.” Andrew kept staring. “I’m tired, Andrew, can we just go home.”

“Ok.”

Andrew helped Neil limp out of the showers to the rest of the Foxes. Everyone sent him concerned looks but no one actually said anything.

Andrew dragged him up to the roof when they got back to Palmetto. He lit a cigarette and Neil lent close to breathe in the smoke. Andrew flicked the ashes off the roof and tilted his head to the sky.

“Wanna explain?” Andrew asked.

“I’m tired.” Neil shrugged. “Wasn’t paying attention.”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“It’s nothing. Just being stupid, don’t worry about it.”

“You’ll tell me though. If I need to worry?”

“Yes.” Neil lied. He couldn’t decide if Andrew believed him or not, but the subject was dropped and he finished his cigarette.

Neil got much better at hiding it after that. For the next year or so he was able to bury the thoughts deep down, ignore them, or at least function with them going on. A constant low became his new normal, he managed to convince himself that he was fine.

There were times when Neil just couldn’t control what he was doing and lashed out at the closest person to him. This time someone lashed out at him first and then there was a fight on the court. Fists flew after the game was called to an end. Neil had his head smashed against the court floor and his opponent got rammed into the plexiglass walls surrounding the inner court.

Both players got a red card and were benched for the rest of the season. Neil hated that for himself. Wymack was furious when he got off the court but Abby shushed him and started prodding his head. He’d been on the verge of being unconscious on the court and had been all but carried off by Kevin and Andrew, who dumped him rather unceremoniously onto the couch. Abby shooed everyone away while she assessed the situation, Andrew stayed.

“Fuck off, Drew.” Neil mumbled from the couch. He was hot with anger and embarrassment and everything negative. Andrew had a momentary look of surprise before he nodded and left. Next Neil batted away Abby’s fussing hands and pushed himself up. He didn’t deserve the help she was giving him. He’d just fucked everything up and couldn’t they see that? Why did they still think he was worth anything when he acted like this? The only thing that drove him was himself. Selfish and a liar and a coward. He didn’t deserve any of the things he had and he knew it.

He wanted to yell at them all, to scream until he couldn’t scream anymore. He wanted to cry and hit and run. There was only one of those things that he could do. He knew he was selfish and that anything other than running was a self indulgent response. Making others deal with him was selfish, worrying them and putting the weight of his problems on them was selfish. Especially when he knew the problems were self inflicted. He knew he shouldn’t have thought. His brain was screaming at him not to fight, he knew it was wrong. He knew it would cause problems and yet he did it anyway.

He swatted Abby away again and got off the couch. Abby tried to call out to him, tried to hold him back, but Neil was stronger and faster and he slipped through the door. Andrew was waiting outside but Neil walked straight by him and outside. He closed the door firmly behind him and threw his keys away. Andrew hadn’t brought his and wouldn’t be able to follow.

He started out at a slow jog, just around the campus, back to the dorms and around again. His head was pounding something fierce but he didn’t care. It was a nice distraction from the usual turmoil in this mind. He didn’t feel empty or alone or sick or sad. He was consumed by the rhythmic pace of the run and the pain in his head. He felt free.

The fallout of that incident was not something Neil enjoyed thinking about. While some of the team seemed concerned about his head, they were mostly pissed that he got red carded and ran off. He sat through all their lectures, through the stares and shouts and took it all without question. Was it really anything less than he deserved? No, it wasn’t. No matter how much it hurt him, he knew he deserved it. He deserved to have them all hate him. Part of him wanted it.

They won the season. Andrew moved shortly after and Neil was alone. He went to visit Andrew a lot, but between Andrew’s training and moving and visiting Nicky in Germany, they didn’t get much time together.

Summer was when it started getting really tough. Days went by that Neil just couldn’t get up. And no one was there to make him, there was no one he felt guilty for making put up with him. He went out at night looking for trouble, anything to make him feel alive. He wouldn’t drink or take drugs, somehow he still knew that that was a dangerous road, but looking for fights? That wasn’t something Neil was against.

The first knife fight he gets into is in July. The blade cuts him from the shoulder to the bottom of his rib cage and all Neil feels his relaxed. He stared at the blood starting to soak his shirt and smiled a little. He dodged the knife when it came at his face, but he suddenly got a lot more careless with leaving openings. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but it was there anyway. He came back from the fight bleeding and tired but suddenly everything was feeling a little more ok.

Foxes new and old start pouring into the tower for the start of training. Neil is captain, has been for a couple of years now, and he starts putting the freshmen through their paces. They have a new striker and goalie, and two new backliners.

“Neil!” Robin shouted at him. “Neil lay off!” It was the hand on his arm that snapped him out of his head and he blinked as he looked around.

“Right, yeah, sorry.” He mumbled and closed his eyes. He dropped his head back against the wall of the court and waved everyone away. “We’re done for the day.”

“It’s only been forty five minutes.” Someone protested.

“I said we’re done, got it?” Neil snapped back. A wave of whispers moved through the team but they all stepped off the court.

Robin looked at Neil calculating.

“Should I call Andrew?”

“No.” Neil sighed. “I’m just tired and a little off today. I need a nap. I’ll see you later.”

Neil sat at his laptop that night to work. He had a page of math problems open, but instead he clicked for a new word document. It felt weird at first, typing out his life story in third person, but he knew it was the only way he’d get through it without crying. He didn’t pay attention to the word count, he didn’t want to know how many words he was writing about the tragic fuck up that was himself.

It occurred to him when he came to the ending that it sounded an awful lot like a suicide note. He rubbed at the newest cut along his arm, wrapped with a bandage and covered with an oversized hoodie. He was glad Andrew wasn’t there, he knew that Andrew had memorised his scars the second he saw them and he would question the new ones.

 

Neil didn’t get up the next day. He couldn’t find the point. He laid in bed staring up at his ceiling and not moving. He knew he had responsibilities but instead he texted that he was sick and asked someone else to run practice. He felt no guilt lying and that made him feel sick. He knew he was being selfish again. It was a running theme in his life. He couldn’t think of anything selfless he had done. He saw everything as inherently motivated by his own benefit. Even coming to Palmetto.

Especially coming to Palmetto.

Neil wondered what would have happened if he hadn’t come. Wondered how many more lives he was willing to fuck up before he finally just ended it. He thought to the document on his laptop. He was half prepared already. He’d heard that not knowing why was the hardest part of someone committing suicide, at least they would know why. Not that he thought they didn’t already, he was sure that everyone hated him in reality. That they put up with him and his selfish needs.

He ran into one of the freshmen around midnight. He was just walking the halls not able to sleep. The kid spilled hot chocolate down Neil’s shirt. He barely registered it but the girl was stuttering an apology at him. Neil told her to stop and walked away.

Andrew called him a few days later and Neil realised he’d missed their last check in. He forced a smile on his face and answered the call.

“Hey, Drew, how’s things.” Andrew seemed distracted and for that small mercy Neil was grateful.

“I hate this stupid sport.” He grumbled.

“You could’ve said no and gone to med school like Aaron.” Andrew shot Neil a dirty look through the camera. The conversation continued for a while.

“I won’t be able to call for a while.” Andrew said before they cut off. “We’ve got press tours and some other bullshit I’m apparently contractually obligated to do. Sorry.” Neil barely concealed the flinch at the word but Andrew’s eyes were closed anyway.

“Don’t worry. I have my hands full with the newbies over here. We’ll text.”

The next day Neil muted all his group chats, better for him not to take part in them and he knew that if he saw the messages he would be weak and answer. No. They would all be better off without him, he knew that. He felt it with such ferocity that it hurt.

He went out to fight again.

He ran into the same freshman on his way back.

“Shit sorry.” She said when she bumped Neil.

“Do you ever sleep?” Neil cocked his head, deciding to ignore the apology for now.

“Occasionally. Are you ok?” Neil straighten to hide his limp.

“Fine, just went too hard at the gym.”

“I thought you were sick?”

“It’s none of you business.” Neil growled. His patience was always running thin these days. The gaps between his meals longer, and the fights more frequent.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to pry.” 

Neil snapped. He could take it anymore. He knew he should just leave it be. Knew that would be the best outcome. Just following the fucking social conventions, idiot, just accept it and move on. You know that’s best. You know it. But-

“Stop it.” Neil snapped. “Stop saying sorry. Just stop.”

“Why do you hate it so much?” Neil was suddenly flung back into a memory of his own. Of a blond and his aversion to the word please. Of the raw honesty in his voice when he answered.

“I don’t deserve it.” Neil shoved past the girl and stormed into his room. By some miracle, he’d convinced Wymack to room all the newbies together and leave his room to him alone. He still didn’t know how he’d done that.

He turned the shower as high as he could and stripped off. He pulled the bandages from around his skin. He saw the cuts he went out to get, the ones he wanted, all bright and red and new against is pale flesh and pushed away from the mirror.

The heat of the shower was suffocating. He couldn’t breathe right though the steam but he wasn’t moving either. Everything he was doing he deserved, he knew that.

He sat there for well over an hour. He ignored the knocks on his door. He let his tears mingle with the shower water so he couldn’t tell which was which. He still had only one thought running through his mind. The same thought that had been underlying everything for weeks: how many more lives are you going to fuck up before you finally end it all?

He thought about Andrew and Kevin, Nicky and Aaron, Allison, Matt, Dan and Renee, and every other Fox. Could he honestly say he’d improved their lives by being in it? He knew he couldn’t. He hadn’t done anything positive for any of them. He’d been a leach and a parasite to all of them. Draining them of themselves and making them pay attention to him. Making them worry about him. Being selfish. He was selfish to have stayed then and he was selfish to be sticking around now.

It wasn’t that he’d never thought about it before, but he didn’t know how to kill himself. Doing something dramatic would traumatise whoever found him and this was meant to be a selfless act, he was getting rid of himself, getting rid of the problem. No blood, nothing gory or obvious. He thought about drowning, but where? He didn’t think he’d be able to in a bath and that would sill be a pretty traumatic way to find him.

Drugs were his best option.

It took him a while to find enough, to gather them slowly enough that no one would realise, but in those days he was happier than he had been. Or at least content, happy may have been too strong a word for it.

A ball hit his chest in practice that day and a wound opened up. Neil grinned at it and let the pain relax him. It wouldn’t show through his layers, it was too small. But pain was pains and it was all good.

It was going to be that night. Only something stopped him.

His door was open when he got back to his room. His first thought was panic that someone had found his pills. But they couldn’t, could they? No one would know where he’d hide them. No one except-

“Andrew.” He stopped dead as he said the name. The pills were out on the table Andrew was sat at.

“You told me you’d tell me if I needed to worry.” And Neil saw red.

“I’m fine.” He snapped. “Get out.”

“No.” Andrew didn’t approach Neil but he didn’t move away either. “Is this everything?”

“Get. Out.” Neil seethed with anger. How dare he? How dare he come in here and try to stop him. He was fine! Didn’t he see that? He just finally knew what he needed to do.

“Is. This. Everything?”

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Robin called me. Not blind, that one.”

“And what was the purpose of that call?”

“No one wants you dead, Neil.” Neil saw red again and launched himself at Andrew.

“Get out! Get out get out get out!” He screamed. Andrew let Neil hit and claw at him as he needed to.

“I’m not leaving.” Neil shook on top of Andrew before he let himself collapse. He was just so tired.

“I just want it to end. Please let me end it.” Neil begged. Andrew couldn’t find it in him to hate the junkie for the word, and his heart broke just a little at the plea.

“No.” He said. “No.” Andrew moved to wrap his arms around Neil and half carried the younger boy to bed. He wrapped the blankets around Neil and pulled up a chair next to the bed. Neil wasn’t running in the middle of the night without Andrew knowing it.

Three very sweet coffees and ten hours later, Neil woke up to Andrew still next to his bed. He had been hoping that it was all a bad dream and that Andrew would be gone when he woke up and he could continue with his plan. But it seemed that fate had other plans.

“Andrew.” Andrew’s eyes locked with Neil’s. There were so many things he wanted to say, but in that moment he couldn’t find the words or the feelings to say them. Neil looked so broken. Something had shattered within him, something that hurt more than the years he had lived before and Andrew didn’t know how to fix it. 

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked. Neil paused.

“No. Yes. I mean no, but yes.” Neil bit his lip. He wanted nothing more than for Andrew to hold him, but he couldn’t be that weak and he couldn’t force Andrew to do something just because he needed it.

“Which is it?”

“I don’t know.” Neil rolled away from Andrew and pulled the blanket up over his shoulders and most of his head. Andrew moved from the chair to the end of the bed and rested his back against the wall. He waited for Neil to keep talking. He waited about half an hour before he gave up.

“Why?”

“Why what?” Neil asked. He didn’t want to volunteer answers he didn’t need to.

“Why don’t you know?”

“Andrew, don’t.”

“I’m not letting this drop. Why don’t you know?” 

“Because.” Neil closed his eyes and counted to three. He pushed the blanket down and pulled himself up to be sitting. He wouldn’t look at Andrew. “Because I want to say yes but I should say no.”

“You should say what you want to say.”

“No I shouldn’t.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t deserve it.” Those words felt like a sucker punch to the gut to Andrew. After everything Neil had gone through in his life, he would be the last person on a list of ‘underserving’.

“What if I want to?”

“But you don’t.”

“I do.” Neil shook his head at Andrew.

“You’re just saying that. You’re saying that because you think it’s the right thing to say. And that’s all people do around me. Just say what they think is the right thing to say instead of the truth because they’re all too nice and don’t want to say they hate me.”

“Why do they hate you?”

“Because I’m selfish.”

“Why?” Andrew didn’t know what the best way to get through to Neil would be. He was hoping he’d eventually run out of reasons why and they could start building reasons why not. And they would go to Bee.

“Everything I do is about me and that’s the definition of selfish.”

“Like what?”

“I left people behind.”

“When?”

“My whole life. While we were running I left people behind and hurt them to save myself. I almost got a family _killed_."

“Ok. But who was the one that made you run?”

“My mom. But she did it to save me.”

“But did you ask to go on the run? Did you make that decision?”

“I decided to keep going.”  


“Because otherwise you’d die. That’s not selfish, that’s preservation instinct. So, again, did you choose to run away and leave people?”

“No but I did nothing to stop it. I-“

“Then it’s not your fault. Did I choose Drake?”

“No, of course not. But that’s not the same!”

“Sure it is. I was in a shitty situation and I did nothing. By your logic, that makes it my fault.”

“No, that’s not the same.”

“Yes, it is.” Andrew pressed. He knew that it would take time for Neil to accept, that it wasn’t his fault, but he had to try and start it. Even if it meant bringing up things he would rather not. “Drake was bigger and stronger than me, and I was a child. Your mother was bigger and stronger than you, and you were a child. I’m seeing a lot of striking similarities.” Neil was glaring at him. Part of Neil was saying that Andrew was right, look it’s logical, you can’t fault it. But a larger, and louder, part of him was quite happily yelling at him that Andrew was lying. Just doing his duty and it was all Neil’s fault. After all, his mother only ran to save him.

“But she ran because of me in the first place. If I just hadn’t been here then…”

“Then what? Your father would still have been the man he was, your mother might still have run away from him. But you didn’t get a choice in your existence and you didn’t choose to go on the run.”

“But it was for _me_. And so many people got hurt because of that.”

“You were a _child,_ Neil. And you were forced to grow up way too fast. But you didn’t tell your mother to run away with you. She was the adult. She made the choice. Not you. None of that was your fault.”

“But I started it-"

“How?” Andrew challenged. “You’re not listening to me. you. were. a. child. You had no say in anything that happened to you. If we’re taking the blame back we take it back to the night your parents made you. Or we could go back to your grandparents but I feel like that’s pushing it a bit.” Neil shook his head. Andrew just didn’t get it. No one did. “So, I need a new reason if you expect me to agree with you.”

“I let everyone down.” Andrew raised an eyebrow. _Not good enough_ , Neil interpreted it to mean. “Last season, the red card.”

“We are so _not_ debating that one. The other player was just as much to blame and you didn’t let us down, you made us worry.”

“That’s no better.”

“Well it shows we care about you.”

“I started so many fights.”  


“And I’m not surprised if you were being a martyr and dealing with this on your own. Again, not your fault and doesn’t make you selfish. Next.” Neil growled at Andrew.

“I missed night practice with Kevin.”  


“What?” Andrew was truly baffled that that had been bothering Neil. Also, which time.

“There was a night and I said no and I wasn’t even ill or hurt. I knew I should’ve just said yes and even while I said no I could hear my brain telling me to just suck it up and say yes. And then he looked so sad and I felt so guilty and-“

“Woah, stop there. Kevin is more of a junkie than you, of course he’d going to be sad if you don’t go to night practice but he got over it. It doesn’t mean you let him down or that you’re selfish. Everyone needs to say no sometimes or we’d all be crazy.”

“But not me.”

“Why not you?”

“Because I’m me.” Neil pushed as if this was all the reason he needed. And to Neil, it was.

“Yes, you are indeed you, well done. But why does that mean you don’t get to look after yourself?”

“Because I hurt people if I do.”

“We’ve established that was not your fault. I need a better answer than that.”

“Argh.” Neil grabbed his pillow and threw it at Andrew who caught it without flinching. Neil glared and shot out of bed.

“Sounds of frustration aren’t answers.”

“God, why can’t you just _fuck off_.” Neil slammed a hand down on his desk and spun back to face Andrew, the blanket still hanging loosely around his shoulders. His face was covered with dry tears and fresh ones threatening to leak. “I don’t know why you’re trying to save me.”

“I don’t want you dead. I thought that was obvious.”

“But I do!” Neil yelled. Andrew pushed off the bed and slowly started walking to Neil. His heart broke more than he thought possible at hearing that. Even more so than the night before. “I do! So just fucking fuck the fuck off, you tiny, miserable, angry, little midget! Leave me alone! You don’t give a shit so stop pretending that you do!” Neil sniffed through the shouts. “You’re angry and cold and awful and just go away!”

“Neil.” Andrew said but could feel his temper rising. “Calm down.”

“No! No I won’t. Not until you _leave!”_ Something in Andrew clicked at that moment. Neil thought everyone left, knew that at some point everyone he spoke to now would leave.

“Neil.” Andrew repeated. He took the shivering boy into his arms and it seemed that Neil didn’t have the energy to hold himself up anymore. Andrew guided them both to the floor and wrapped his legs around Neil’s. “There is nothing you can say that’s going to make me run away.” Andrew whispered. Neil was still sobbing, wrapped in Andrew’s arm and a blanket. There was no answer, but Andrew didn’t expect one either.


	2. Nicky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the plan a little for this fic. I'm going to write about Neil's experiences with each of the Foxes once they figure out or suspect that something is going on. I tried to write it a little differently but this seemed to work out better. First we have Nicky.

Nicky

The next month was the hardest. All Neil wanted was to go out and fight, go out and run away from the constant presence of Andrew and the doctors and Bee and Wymack and the team wondering what the hell was going on. Wymack made him step back from his captain duties for a while and had Robin take over. Any questions from the team were met with stony silences and laps. Neil had been adamant that no one outside of himself, Andrew, Wymack, and Robin would know anything about what was going on. He isolated the old Foxes as well. 

Andrew dragged Neil to Columbia for the winter break. Neil had been telling him less and less again, and Andrew didn’t know if that was because he was talking more with Bee or if he was trying to hide something. Andrew did know, however, that he had more control if they were in Columbia.

Aaron and Nicky joined him for the holidays, and Erik too. Neil couldn’t decide if he was better or worse for being surrounded by people. There were days when all he wanted to do was hide away in his room, lock Andrew and the world out, and just sleep the day away.

Nicky noticed almost immediately that something was wrong. He didn’t spend time raising Andrew and Aaron and going through his own personal hell to be blind to someone who was struggling. It just didn’t hit him how much Neil was not ok until he overheard him and Andrew arguing one night.

It was 2am and he was reading in the kitchen with a small light on when he heard a door open upstairs. He was all prepared to shrug it off as someone needing the bathroom or coming down for a drink when he heard voices.

“Don’t walk away.” Andrew sounded almost resigned. Nicky had been getting better at understanding the moods of Andrew, and he had only heard that tone used in relation to Neil. This was none of his business, he told himself, he should just go back to reading and move on.

“Fuck off.” Nicky was shocked at the venom in Neil’s voice. This definitely wasn’t a conversation that anyone else was supposed to be hearing.

“I get that you’re scared-“

“I’m not scared.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m not dropping out, Andrew.”

“You might not get a choice.”

“So, you want me to, what, exactly? Smile and wave and say I’m ok? I can do that.”

“You’re not nearly as good at lying as you think you are.” The creaking of people moving around had stopped.

“And I’m not nearly as important to people as you seem to think I am.”

“Neil.” Andrew drew the name out in a way that Nicky had never heard him speak. There was something in his voice, a kind of strangled quality, that Nicky couldn’t quite place. Nicky gave up pretending that he wasn’t listening and closed his book.

“Stop that. Stop saying my name like it means something.” The words sucker punched Nicky in the chest. He’d heard similar words from himself before, he knew what they meant. Suddenly so many things were making sense, how Andrew had abandoned his exy team, how he’d barely heard from Neil unless he initiated. This now was officially not something for his ears.

“It does mean something.” Nicky reached out and flicked the light off. He didn’t want either of them noticing it. If Neil saw that someone else was hearing this, well he didn’t want to have Neil know that someone else was hearing this. There were no more words after that, but he did her footsteps coming downstairs. “Where are you going?”

“None of your business.” The front door slammed and suddenly Andrew was running down the stairs after Neil. Nicky wondered if he should help Andrew, or if saying he’d heard everything would make things worse. Andrew made the decision for him when he ran past the kitchen and out of the door after Neil.

Nicky made his way back to his room with Erik. He threw himself onto the bed and Erik stirred.

“Something wrong?” Erik mumbled in German.

“Neil.” Nicky answered. He stared up at the ceiling, something Erik took note of and moved himself into Nicky’s line of sight. Nicky flicked his eyes to meet Erik’s for a moment and sighed. “I think he’s depressed.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I, uh, overheard an argument just now, between him and Andrew. Just some of the things he said."“It could just be a fight.”

“It feels like more than that. And Andrew left the team for an indefinite amount of time. It just feels like something is wrong.” 

“Well, if it is, then it’s up to Neil to tell you. Don’t go snooping.”

“I just want to help him.”

“I know. Find something to do just you and him, show him he’s important to you. Just don’t make it obvious.”

“What an easy task you’ve set me.” Erik grinned at Nicky and kissed him.

“I know, my love, and I’m sure you’ll manage it. Now go to sleep, it’s late.” Erik kissed him again and then rolled back onto his back. Nicky spent the rest of the night wondering about what he could possibly do with Neil that wouldn’t be suspicious of.

In the end, Nicky settled on dragging Neil grocery shopping with him, under the guise of not knowing what his favourite foods are. When Andrew tried to come with them, Nicky gave him a look that clearly said no, and reluctantly Andrew had backed off. That didn’t meant hat his cousin was off the hook and when they got back there was a lot of glaring.

Nicky spent the rest of the break making sure that Neil was included in everything they did, and when he didn’t want to be he made sure they were all at least in the room together, there was nothing that Nicky could ask him without Neil speaking to him first, but he wasn’t going to let Neil think he was alone.


	3. Reach Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed that I upped the rating. I was going to do a nice little recovery fic, but then I decided it was just not realistic, and with any mental health issue you still have bad days and can still lose yourself. With the in mind, Neil’s healing will not go entirely smoothly because I don’t want to create some kind of unrealistic narrative about how this stuff works.
> 
> And with that sad WARNING this chapter does include mentions of a suicide attempt and immediate aftermath. Absolutely nothing graphic or detailed in terms of the act but the warning is still there.
> 
> I also tried to research somewhat into procedure for suicide attempts and this is included in this chapter also.

It’s the quiet moments that get at Neil the most. The ones where he can hear Andrew thinking, worrying. The house in Columbia felt too big when everyone else left. Aaron goes back for winter classes and Nicky and Erick go back to Germany for work. The doctors he’s spoken to, and it has been more than one, have all recommended he takes a step back from college. Neil has been adamant that there’s so little time left and he can cope, honestly.

 

But there’s only so many times he can ignore the downward slope he’s been on, even now he can still feel his grip on his emotions failing. Wymack will support whatever decision he makes, but he can’t help but feel that he’s just letting the team down again. Robin isn’t ready to take over, Neil knows that. Andrew keeps telling him that it’s ok to put himself first, that pushing himself for other people isn’t how he has to live any more. He doesn’t have to keep trying to make a dead woman proud.

 

But that’s not it. At least that’s not all of it. The desire to please his mother had faded a while ago, and now he just felt like this empty shell. He felt directionless, the only thing he still understood was exy. But understanding doesn’t equate to caring and he’s been feeling that dwindle as well. It feels like he’s a flame that burned out. He knew Andrew could see it, he knew that Andrew left his team because of him, and while a part of him appreciated that, another part couldn’t deal with the guilt.

 

“You know I don’t care about this stupid sport.” Andrew would say to him every time it came up. ‘I care about you’ went unsaid. It sent Neil spiralling every time. There were only so many times he could ask why and face the lies he got in return.

 

Talking to Bee wasn’t getting Neil much of anywhere. He felt like they were going around in circles, like everything he said to her was taken and chewed up and spit out as something unrecognisable. Bee would say something back to him that didn’t feel like himself but he could never find the words to correct her. Everything seemed wrong when he spoke to her. She broached the topic of medication once, when he said Andrew had made him an appointment witha doctor, and his feelings on the topic. Neil had clamped up and told her it was none of her business. Bee accepted it and moved on, but something in her eyes made Neil uncomfortable.

 

The doctors appointment hadn’t gone much better and Neil had ended up feeling about 2 inches tall. Assumptions had been thrown about and she had seemed entirely dismissive about the fights he got into, telling him it was him looking for release, not self harming behaviour. And though Neil would have liked to use that as a way out of his behaviour, something in him rebelled against whatthe doctor was saying. There was a kind of clinical detachment from everything in the doctor’s eyes. Neil’s entire body was tensed and ready to bolt, he only stayed because Andrew was waiting for him outside.

 

“Ok,” the doctor placed her pen down on the table, “I want you to make another appointment, see how you’re feeling in a couple of weeks.” Neil nodded with absolutely no intention of doing so.

 

Neil walked out of the room shaking. He felt wrong, somehow, like his entire sense of being was out of sorts. He knew he was walking quickly but everything felt like it was going slowly. So slowly. But his legs felt out of control, like jelly moving too fast. Andrew had to catch him when he stumbled out of the doctors office. Andrew’s face was tight with concern but Neil pushed him away in favour of stabilising himself on the wall. Andrew placed a tentative hand on Neil’s neck, waiting for any indication that Neil is uncomfortable.

 

Neil leant back into Andrew’s touch, trying to pull the pieces of himself back together for long enough to make it back to his room and pack to leave for Columbia. Andrew hadn’t given him much of an option on that one, and he would admit that he was ok with not being at Palmetto for the holidays.

 

They didn’t talk about the appointment, not afterwards and not for the whole time that Nicky, Erik, and Aaron were with them. Andrew gave it a day between everyone leaving and approaching Neil about it. Neil had, supposedly, had a phone call appointment set up with Bee over the holidays to check in. A phone call which Neil had not picked up.

 

Andrew had been hoping that Neil would talk to him on his own. And he wanted to respect Neil’s privacy, he did. He just knew that there were some things he couldn’t leave to Neil in this moment. He knew that there were some things Neil would just try to run away from, stick his head in the sand and ignore. When he saw that Neil was spending more time with Nicky over the week, he had been annoyed, but happy. The more people Neil spent time with, the less alone he would feel. Hopefully. At least during those moments it wasn’t just Andrew who was there for him.

 

Andrew decided that he wouldn’t talk to Nicky about what he knew, about how he knew, but Andrew was grateful for it, whatever it was. Neil seemed grateful for it as well. Andrew should’ve thought about the inevitable fallout of it all. When it was just him and Neil again. He was intending to ask Neil about what the doctor had said so that he could help. He was intending to sit himself and Neil in front of a film for the night. He was intending to have a quiet evening, finally, now that everyone had left.

 

Instead he got a mess of hot chocolate to clean up later and a frantic ambulance ride with Neil and some paramedics who were saying something he wasn’t quite hearing over the roaring in his head and the stillness of Neil’s chest.

 

Andrew got lost in the sea of people in the Emergency Department. He tried to follow Neil, whoever they were taking him. He wanted to shout and punch his way through. He wanted to make sure they didn’t hurt him any more than he was. He wanted to be by Neil’s side through all of it. But he also felt numb. When they shut Neil away from him, when he wasn’t allowed in the room, the numb feeling settled over him. It was the only way he knew to deal with this, the only way he knew how to deal with his heart being torn from his chest, with feeling like he lost everything that ever mattered, that it slipped through his fingers like sand.

 

So he called the only person he could think of.

 

~~~

 

“...if he continues to not speak to anyone, then the next option is involuntary psychiatric care.” Andrew had been listening to the doctor, his mind was just a little slow at processing

 

“No, he’s not…” Andrew sighed and closed his eyes.

 

“I understand that this is a difficult time for everyone involved, but we cannot properly assess his mental state or suicide risk while he won’t speak. With that in mind, no doctor could, in good conscience, discharge him. You need to understand that this was a serious attempt, from the looks of it there was a lot of planning and less spur of the moment behind this. The drugs in his system, they’re not the kind that people tend to have just lying around the house.” Andrew was hearing the words but no. No that wasn’t processing. Because Neil wouldn’t, Neil couldn’t. Except he was shut away behind hospital doors, possibly to be admitted for involuntary psychiatric care, and there was nothing Andrew could do about it.

 

“So he’s been thinking about this for a while.”

 

“We believe so, yes. But, again, until he speaks to us, we can’t assess anything.”

 

“He was… he seemed to be doing better.” Andrew sounded lost. He just hadn’t seen it coming, hadn’t seen any signs. The doctor motioned for him to sit down, and took the seat next to Andrew. There was all kinds of sympathy radiating from the doctor that Andrew just did not need right now. He was frustrated with himself, more than anything, he knew, he knew that things were never that simple. And now… now Andrew just wanted to kick something. Or punch something, or… or…

 

“Whatever happened, it’s no one’s fault. There is a tendency to blame yourself, what you think you should’ve seen, how you think you should’ve acted. But in situations like this, there was really nothing you could have done. Sometimes, when someone has decided that they’re going to do this, they seem to get better. They’re more content because now they have a plan. That’s not to say every time he would seem to get better this is what he’s thinking. All you can do now is listen and help.”

 

Every fibre of Andrew’s being wants him to burst through the doors of the hospital to be with Neil. It was like Baltimore but worse, because this time Andrew knew and Andrew should have saved him. Despite everything in his heart screaming out at him to go to Neil, he knew that this time he couldn’t. He knew that this time he had to leave Neil with someone else. He had to try to trust that someone else would do what Neil needed in ways that he couldn’t. Because as much as he wants to, he knows he can’t fix this. He knows he can’t protect Neil from himself and that needs to be someone else’s job. And that admission, that knowledge, was ripping him to pieces.

 

“Andrew.” It felt like s lifetime before Andrew was able to tear his eyes from the floor up to the man in front of him. David Wymack was a more reassuring presence than Andrew would ever like to admit out loud, but with Nicky in Germany, and Neil unlikely to trust anyone else, there was only one choice to make. “Andrew?”

 

“Yeah.” Andrew’s voice was tight.

 

“How can I help?” David was half crouched in front of Andrew and trying to ignore the red rims of Andrew’s eyes.

 

“I... I don’t know. I didn’t know what to do.”

 

“I’m glad you called me.”

 

“Involuntary psychiatric care.” Andrew felt like he was choking on the words as they came out. “He won’t talk to anyone so they can’t assess him so they might have to...” Andrew trailed off. Wymack pursed his lips but did not ask Andrew to say nothing else. Instead he went off to find a doctor to talk to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so while I love Bee and think she is wonderful, for Neil I don’t think he would ever open up to her. And one therapist that works for someone wont necessarily work for someone lose, this was something I wanted to address because, again, I don’t want to create some kind of utopian narrative about mental health


End file.
